I don’t know what to write or where to begin. I don’t understand the feelings I am having and the fear that grips me when I think of the events of February 10th. All I can seem to see is the smoke filling my house and feel the heat blasting me in the face while I choke on the fumes. All I can think is what a chickenshit I was for not going back in the smoke and flames to find my dog and make sure my wife and child were safe.
Then in the next instant I feel such relief that I made it out, immediately followed by guilt that I am relieved it was my dog and not me. I feel horrified at myself for thinking of myself before others. I never even thought how the loss of Sam would affect my wife and daughter. My only thought was “I gotta get out of here or I’m gonna die!”
I feel so guilty and then I can’t stand to be with myself. I’m losing the ground I had conquered dealing with my emotional being, I feel my brain shutting off and falling back into the “Bill who didn’t feel.”
I don’t want to be that man. I want to be a man who has genuine emotions. I want my daughter to see her daddy cry at times and laugh and be sensitive. I want her to see that emotions are natural and it is ok to express them. I want her to see that real men emote and don’t hold things back.
I’m rambling, but i need to get these out of my head so my heart can heal. I need to be free of this crap so I can be whole again and feel joy and happiness again. I NEED TO BE FREE!!!!!